why does everyone important to me disappear?

im tired of feeling alone.

Nessa's tired.

My foot is asleep.









& I love Hannah&Kim for sending me motivation, which I was in desperate need of. I mean, I guess I like this mood... not being able to really think about stuff that stresses you out.. because... I don't really think about that stuff anymore, right? But it's kinda like.. I have a "I don't care" kind of attitude. It's all good when you're still motivated to have a better life, but man.. when you're depressed.. it feels horrible.

Man...I was thinking about exams tomorrow. I've never had morning exams before. Only first & fourth year of 'em... & I've only experienced second & third. We have to though, because we have to practice for JS Prom. It's really lame... and corny. Every single one of us have to walk through the stage with a random partner from the other year (only juniors and seniors have prom). That's really lame.

Anyway, back to morning exams. Imma have to wake up early tomorrow too....holy shit. XD *just realized she mixed Thursday & Friday up*. Nvm. I don't have to wake up early. Not until Friday. *relax* *breathe*. Anyway, that's gunna be disorienting. And kinda nervous. I hope my room isn't a RIZAL room. Rizal is the most important section in school. My section, Mabini, is the second. Rizalians always freak me out! So pressured. I wonder how the regular not-first-section people feel around them. Anyway... I hope the seating arrangement wont be different either! I need to sit by gab.. she needs to translate for me... >__<; *pressurepressurepressure*

Plus practicing for JS tomorrow is going to be super... GAHH >__<;. I remember last time I felt liek I wouldn't be able to walk all the way to the middle of the court! I felt like I was gunna fall!

Gahh! Thunder. I can't be on the computer when there's thunder.
Oh well. Goodnight? Good luck to me?

You know, it's kinda funny looking through my journal on a happy day. I think, "wow! I'm such a depressing person!". I like those days (:

Two things I've decided to take in mind:

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
- Bill Cosby


It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Someone would see me right now.
Comfort me. Tell me anything.
Lie & say everything will be okay.

I want someone to find me & hug me.
And just sit there with me while I cry.

I feel so alone. Which is stupid.
Even after what had happened today...
I'm so selfish. What am I asking for?

Someone to hold my hand for my whole life?
Yeah. You're that important Vanessa.

Get real.

Well, I totally just put most of my entries on. . ."friends only". Even though I doubt there are any, I'd rather not have random people read about my most depressing moments, or talking about guys or something. Hahaha. While I was scrolling through them, though, I realized that, wow, I'm a depressing person who likes to rant lol. I wonder how my friends have patience with me. Oh well, THEY LOVE ME DESPITE MY MOMENTS. =D.

Speaking a friends & moments. . . Juan and I had the most interesting conversation today. But a conversation so 'mature' like that will go with us to our graves. Lmao. Pervs.

1. I realized this when I reread some parts of The Host.
"Heartbreak". I never really thought of it this way before.

I knew the human exaggeration for sorrow -- a broken heart. Melanie remembered speaking the phrase herself. But I'd always thought of it as a hyperbole, a traditional description for something bad that had no physiological link, like a green thumb. So I wasn't expecting the pain in my chest. The nausea, yes, the swelling in my throat, yes, and yes, the tears burning in my eyes. But what was the ripping sensation just under my rib cage? It made no logical sense.

Why does the heart feel like that? It always seems to take on our emotions. If we're guilty, it's heavy. If we let out our problems, it seems to get lighter. It's strange. Sorry if there is a logical explanation for this. Everyone I know knows I'm not smart (=. Just a dork who's vocabulary is getting better.

2. You always here people say things like "Everything will get better, eventually." And I believe that. I always have. But then, I realized... everything keeps getting worse & worse. Just when you believe think you've hit the bottom of the hill, oops! It turns out there's more. Can things get worse? Well, logically, yes. But how? I should be optimistic. I forget. You can't hope for an optimistic future when you look toward it with pessimism.


I meant to make this short & upbeat. But it looks like I've failed. Lol
I camera whore'd today. I look really weary when I try to smile =/.
Nessa, you need to change your attitude! XD.